I started telling her (as an anon) about a hundredth of my past problems and discovered I couldn't stop. Couldn't stop, and wish I could tell her everything. I wish I could tell someone everything without having to worry about them getting annoyed at me. I discovered what I'm doing is really simply numbing myself and forcing myself to not face up to those emotions. I don't think I'll truly be happy without knowing somebody will be there no matter what, perhaps I "enjoyed" it to save myself from the hurt of having nobody.

You won't ever get me, and will probably call me an ungrateful brat. All these insecurities and feelings are real. I want to numb myself to do well for the A's but I'm not prepared to lose a part of me.